By Mandy June
Pretty odd title if you ask me, but with all titles there is usually a reason as to why it is there. I started a Bible study this past week, and for the first time my eyes were opened, I stopped running, and closed my mouth. Now I have to be upfront with you on a few things…this blog doesn’t matter if you are just starting your walk with Christ, have 3 degrees from a Bible college, or you aren’t really sure you believe in the Lord. As humans, we always have room to grow, and learn new things. We should never shut our minds out to learning from anyone, or compare ourselves to other Christians (or people in general) but of course I am the first to admit that I am at fault of all the above statements. I used to take shame in that, however, I am learning that I am not the only one that feels the same. I laugh and think we tend to believe we are the only ones that make mistakes, or feel the same way but there are SO many in the same boat. So paddle over here, and join me for my little tid-bits I am about to share with you. The cool thing is that you won’t find me on a pedestal, or with a microphone. You will however find me in a boat the same as yours! I won’t be in your boat, but my own, with my own struggles, and triumphs.
I started the Bible study called Seamless by Angie Smith, and I am realizing I should have started with her study first before any other study I have done (or one of the many that I started but never finished). She has sparked a fire in my soul, lifted my veil of doubt, and discouragement and has set me down a path that I believe is going to change my walk with the Lord forever. I had never heard of this study until sitting in my “sister from another mother’s” living room one day. We were talking about life when bible study got brought up. I explained how I felt and she mentioned this study. That she knew exactly what I was talking about. Before we jump into the things I have learned in just the few pages I have read, let’s take a step back. Each paragraph will be just a little ingredient for this blog as a whole!
I grew up in the church, my dad was a pastor (before I made my appearance into this world) and my grandparents were the definition of God’s children. Their door was always open, they held bible studies in their family room, cooked many meals for Sunday brunch after the service, made many mistakes, and I remember others always wanting to visit with them about God, or whatever farming topic was at hand. I remember when I was younger, being a sponge and always so excited thinking someday I would be able to sit in their family room and have my own Bible to join their conversations. (And eat the awesome little snacks she had made!) I was also baptized when I was younger, and I remember my grandma praying with me, chatting about what that looked like. Fast forward, on July 1st, 2012 I got baptized again (I feel like I understood more of what was going on) and it was an incredible moment. Doing these things though I felt were just part of it. I didn’t have that intimate personal relationship with God like others did. I went through the years always getting the latest/newest study, or book just trying to grasp a tiny bit of what I was seeing others experience. Let’s jump ahead…
You always hear divorce is a bad sin, however I think God had His blessings in there too. My parents got divorced and I can honestly say it was handled very well (with the kids concerned) but that was just one of many changes in a short time. When I lost my dad a few years later, I went through a small period where I was angry and I kept asking God what His purpose was, why He had to take him away from us. It took a couple years but I ended up finding peace with it, it didn’t take long after that when I felt that peace. I went through high school, then college and even though I had my faith I didn’t treat it the way I should have. I almost felt lost…until I met Dusty.
When I met Dusty I knew our story was God’s doing and not my own. I was still feeling lost though, and not understanding why I was feeling the way I did. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t hear God speak to me, or understand the Bible. I felt like I had done things right, I waited to give myself until I was married, we didn’t move fully in with each other until we were married, but I felt the same as I did before. I learned though if you don’t have that personal relationship with God, then you sure aren’t going to have a marriage on a solid foundation. I love my husband, more than anything but I also know that if we don’t have that foundation and Christ at the center of our marriage, it will fail. Yet I found myself running yet again, frantically to make Dusty and I have that relationship with Christ so we can have that solid foundation. Every mistake, or little argument we would have I was fearful that Dusty would want to leave, or wondering if we both were going to Heaven. Why did I keep messing everything up… (Insert another enemy quote here because he is SO good at trying to make you feel fear) then always questioning what is my purpose?
Purpose. My purpose. What does God have in store for me? How can I serve Him and be obedient? You hear others saying that this is their purpose, or God spoke to me today. I was starting to feel like God had me in a never-ending waiting room. I wanted to know my purpose and to hear God speak to me so bad that I could taste it. I wanted that. I wanted to feel what they were feeling. I got jealous, I started to panic, and we all know that was the enemy taking full advantage. I started to run yet again, chasing anything that I thought would help me to achieve these things. Guess what? I never did, I found myself mentally and physically exhausted and truthfully feeling absolutely defeated. I know God loves me but am I being punished? Oh, how I am so wrong, as you are too if you feel this way!
When I would join Bible studies I would do what everyone else would do, I would watch to see what page they turned too because I had no idea where that book was located in the Bible, writing when they wrote, and nod in agreement. When it came time to ask questions I would hang my head down in hopes no one would call on me so they wouldn’t realize I had no idea what they were talking about. In the end I never really learned anything from them because I was so focused on blending in.
So, what does this have to do with the study I have started? It has everything to do with it simply because the words that Angie speaks about is making me realize something. I am not the only one that doesn’t know everything about the Bible, or our Lord. There is no manual to a perfect life, but when you think about it, who wants that anyway? Angie said it best when she states: “I do not and will never know everything there is to know, nor was I created to understand all the mysteries of God.” Wow, talk about the moment of relief I had. I don’t have to understand everything that He is doing in my life, I do however have to trust in Him. Angie mentions that the Bible to her was a “taunting tissue” which makes sense! She felt that way for years, someone who has now written Bible studies, and books also found the Bible to be taunting, that was running, and clinging to anything that would share His truth. It isn’t just ME and it isn’t just you! I know that I am not an author, or a blogger, but I am in so many ways just like you. I don’t have all of the answers, but I do know that He does. The funny thing Angie mentions that as she was going through the same thing emotionally as I was and still am, our God knew all along. Even though I am a 28-year-old hot mess most of the time, thinking that I need to be in control, or that I am not good enough He still loves me, and knows better. We aren’t going to live a content life, we are going to be tested, hurt, not understand a lot of things but we also must know that we are His children.
I know that this was just a tiny glimpse into my life, but I want you to know that NO one is perfect. We are all sinners, we are all on different walks with the Lord, and you are not alone. I have a wonderful life (so please don’t think that what I wrote is what my life is), and I do want you to know that I have so many things I am grateful for. This blog may seem a little grim but I just want you to understand that no matter what you go through He’s got you! How can you enjoy the rainbow if you haven’t experienced the rain yet? I still have my doubts, or feelings of confusion but I know that God is listening, He is right there beside you too. We just have to stop running, take the blinders off of what we think will get us to Heaven, and close our mouths. I pray that you can find just a sliver of hope in these words, and remember all it takes is the faith of a mustard seed. -Mandy June
But if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed but let him glorify God in having that name. -1 Peter 4:16 This verse popped up on my verse of the day and I found it fitting!
