Leaving Loneliness

Are you one of those people who spends a considerable amount of time “in your head?” Do you plan, worry, daydream, over-think, or ruminate often? I do. The problem with spending so much time with your thoughts is they aren’t the most promising friends. They only think like you and sound like you—spending time in your head gets lonely.

Loneliness is like an ill-fitting shoe: it’s hard to walk in and you are constantly aware of the discomfort. Though I admit to spending many hours “in my head,” I am happiest when I am outward focused and spending time with people. It’s delightful to be in someone’s company to swap stories, recommendations, and encouragement. Whatever season of life you’re in, you might be battling loneliness and spending more time alone with your thoughts than you prefer. Let me share some practices that have made my loneliness ease. See if any of these experiences could help you.

Find your neighbors.

Many of us live a few feet away from another house or apartment door. Do you know the people living behind those walls? Neighbors make good friends because you can snatch a quick conversation as they walk to their mailbox or pull their mower out of the garage. This year, I decided I wanted to know some of the other young moms who live in my neighborhood. I started a Tuesday Teatime. In the afternoon after we have given our kids naps, we meet in my dining room for tea, something sweet to eat, and conversation. Our kids play and we learn about each other. I invited many women and most can’t come. But some do, and we are learning about each other’s lives. It’s amazing how opening my front door and setting out tea is creating a friendlier feeling amongst the neighbors.

Find your tribe online.

I have just discovered a Mennonite mother who has her own you-tube channel. Though I am not Mennonite, she is similar to me in her age, beliefs, and lifestyle. Her videos invite viewers into her home and life. She has videos on routines, organization, cooking, and more. I realized that as I watched her go about her normal life, I could be watching any number of moms. What I mean is that there are countless moms quietly raising their kids, organizing their homes, planning parties, and doing laundry. The quiet comfort that came to my heart as I watched her was, I’m not alone. To acknowledge the fact there are many stay-at-home moms made me somehow feel validated and encouraged. This woman, though she doesn’t know my name, is part of my tribe. We are living side-by-side lives, doing our very best even when it’s hard. I’m not alone.

Find a mentor.

This requires a level of boldness. Find someone who does something well in which you want to emulate. Then say, for example, “You seem to really know how to grow a bountiful vegetable garden. Would you be willing to teach me what you know?” A mentor could be a marriage mentor or parenting mentor. Or they can teach specific things like sewing, marketing, or freezer- batch cooking. I load my kids in the van about once a month to drive to a friend’s home who I consider a mentor. I often send her a message with a few parenting or marriage question and then visit her to discuss her answers and advice. Since she has six children who are sixteen and under, she has plenty of practical help. Having her friendship is something I cherish. To have someone to go to with questions and glean from their knowledge both enriches your life and keeps you learning. You can switch roles and mentor someone else too. Both of these kinds of relationships kick out loneliness and benefit you. 

Can you see yourself taking on any of these options and finding your neighbors, tribe, and mentors? Don’t accept an unwelcomed season of loneliness when there are people around you with whom you can share life. It might take a bit of brainstorming and clever thinking to come up with a game plan, but I have faith in you. 

-Kassie Joy