I spoke with my counselor about a two-night stay I was planning at a beautiful retreat center in Wichita. I shared with her I was a bit nervous to be alone for three days since I had not recently been a good friend to myself. During that discussion with her, I heard the phrase ‘gentle companion’ as in: be a gentle companion to yourself. This idea keeps coming back to me like a reminder set on repeat.
What does it look like to be a good friend to yourself?
I think it starts with a few questions:
What do I like?
What do I need?
Where am I now?
The first one could be fairly simple to answer unless you have been so busy serving others, working a taxing job, or caring for little ones and forget what you like. We need to pause to remember. Ah yes: I do like to sit for a few minutes with hot tea. Or, if my hands are in the dirt planting flowers, my soul sighs with contentment. Or, I adore planning a themed party with food, decorations, and activities. Or, I like walking by myself alone after supper. What do you like? It might help to do some sleuthing as if you were trying to decide what to do for a friend on her birthday. What would make her (you) light up? It seems right that our days would hold some things that we really enjoy. It’s not selfish unless it is only for the purpose of self. Knowing what you like, can root you in pleasure. Pleasure is a great emotion pulling others in naturally. It makes me think of the well-known saying; “If momma’s happy, everyone is happy.” In this way, when we are doing things we like, we are more delightful to ourselves and those around us.
When we are busy or rushed, sometimes the simple question of “What do I need?” should be asked. If your friend walks in the door, you might say: “Would you like something to drink? I just made muffins, want one? Would you like to sit and visit? Or walk and talk?” You would find out how they are feeling and what they need. You, being your own friend, need to check in too. How are you fueling and hydrating your body? Are you giving your mind times of quiet and times of celebration? Are you creating, resting, and accomplishing the things you set out to do? What do I need? Sometimes your answer will be harder than simply “I need a sandwich.” Sometimes you need to forgive, let go, move, or get to work. Yet, even if the answer is difficult, you can proceed with gentleness towards yourself. You don’t need to beat yourself up for not thinking of it sooner or acting on it quicker. Just move forward now and know you are doing what you need.
This last question is helpful to kickstart reflection. Where am I now? Reflection lets you look back so you can find your place and guide your moving forward. It can be helpful to do this at the end of the year, but often it can be beneficial to do it throughout the month too. In a time of transition or change, reflecting can be a kind gesture to your tired heart. When a season ends, give pause and see where you are. What went well? Where am I hurt? What did I learn? What helped me move forward? What shall I repeat because it worked well? These questions help you mark time, name things, and find moments of gratitude.
Knowing what you like, what you need, and reflecting on where you are can be important ways to be a friend to yourself. In treating ourselves with gentleness, we are practiced and prepared to be a kind friend to others. How would you answer these questions?
What do I like?
What do I need?
Where am I now?
How can you be a gentle companion to yourself today?
